PAT-101: PATRIARCHY
A compulsory course nobody remembers enrolling in
Course Code: PAT-101
Credits: 6
Duration: Lifetime
Difficulty: Depends entirely on your gender
Attendance: Compulsory for girls, conveniently flexible for everyone else
Mode: Offline, online and unfortunately, everywhere
Prerequisite: Being born into society
Examination: Continuous assessment
Passing Criteria: Still under review (you are never quite good enough for it)
WELCOME TO THE COURSE
Dear Students, and more preferably, girls,
Welcome to PAT-101: Patriarchy, the one course you never applied for but somehow got enrolled in anyway. I am your senior and course guide for the semester, although, if we are being honest, most of you have already completed several years of this course without realising it.
There is no entrance examination, no CUET score, no interview and certainly no merit list. Congratulations! Your admission was probably confirmed at birth.
You will also be happy to know that you will not have to book a Rapido to University every morning. The campus is everywhere: your home, classroom, workplace, street, family WhatsApp group, wedding hall and that mohalla aunty who has a five-year plan for your life despite never asking for your opinion.
PAT-101 familiarises students with gender expectations, double standards, invisible labour and the ever-popular question, “What will people say?”
So, take out your notebooks. Class is in session.
BEFORE YOU ENROL
What do you need to buy?
Fortunately, there is no expensive textbook. A notebook titled “Things I Was Told Not To Do” should be sufficient.
For practical classes, however, students may require a full-sleeved outfit, a dupatta long enough to qualify as safety equipment, a frying pan or spoon for emergency domestic demonstrations, and a dishwasher for the advanced “You Cook, I’ll Just Sit” module.
Additional requirements include headphones for selective hearing, a functioning sense of humour, an emergency group chat with female friends and, most importantly, TOLERANCE.
A male friend will be criticized but sometimes you get them. Preferably one who occasionally looks genuinely shocked and asks, “Whoa, does that actually happen to you?”
A calendar may also help because the course comes with contradictory instructions:
Be ambitious, but not intimidating.
Be independent, but not difficult.
Be confident, but not loud.
Be attractive, but do not attract the wrong kind of attention.
In short, be everything, but never too much of anything.
Also, always remember –
There is no withdrawal option.
COURSE FEES
There is no monetary fee. Instead, the university accepts payment in unpaid domestic labour, emotional labour, adjustment, sacrifice, self-monitoring, compromise and the occasional “It’s okay, I’ll manage.”
Your dreams may also be collected as part of the fee structure. In advanced cases, your clipped wings may be converted into a comfortable cushion for someone else to rest on.
Scholarships are available in the form of good daughter certificates, decent-character certificates from the neighbourhood uncle-aunties and, for exceptional performers, a “good gharana” rishta.
The scholarship package may include lifetime unpaid housekeeping and a complimentary expectation to produce the next generation.
Terms and conditions apply. Mostly to women.
SEMESTER SYLLABUS
The complete course contains 97 units, 43 supplementary modules and several surprise tests. For the convenience of students, we have compressed it into four.
UNIT I: THE ART OF BEING A “GOOD GIRL”
This module teaches the delicate art of being acceptable.
Voice Modulation: Learn to express an opinion without sounding “too loud,” “too aggressive,” “too opinionated” or, God forbid, “too much.”
The Good Girl Checklist: Be educated, skilled, attractive, successful and independent. But not intimidatingly independent. Have opinions, but preferably agreeable ones. Speak up, but know when to stay quiet.
Advanced “What Will People Say?” Studies: A compulsory course in worrying about people whose names you do not even know.
Fear is considered sufficient preparation.
UNIT II: DRESSING, WALKING AND PUBLIC SURVIVAL
Students will master Dress Code Management, an advanced skill involving the avoidance of being too traditional, too modern, too covered, too uncovered, too casual or too dressed up.
The rules apply early. Very early. Apparently, even a baby girl can become responsible for someone else’s attention, while an eighty-year-old woman may still be told what she should wear.
( Come on, don’t you remember? They said women are like ice cream, or something sweet, to be kept away from the flies.) Some men might find her clothes “attractive,” so naturally, the syllabus recommends changing the woman rather than the behaviour.
Then comes Time Management, where “Where were you?” gradually evolves into the more sophisticated “Why were you there at that time?”
Students will also undergo Street-Level Practical Training, including catcalling, unsolicited comments and the ancient art of making a woman uncomfortable and calling it a compliment.
For further study, consult the Blame Transfer Mechanism: when something happens to a woman, inspect her clothes, timing, company and behaviour first. The behaviour of the person who harassed her may be considered later, subject to availability.
UNIT III: CAREER, REPUTATION AND OTHER LIFE-ALTERING ELECTIVES
You may become a doctor, engineer, lawyer, professor, entrepreneur, artist, civil servant or anything else you wish.
The university strongly encourages ambition.
It simply recommends keeping one additional answer ready:
“And after that?”
Students will also study the Ambition Paradox: a man is confident; a woman has an attitude. A man is ambitious; a woman is “too career-oriented.”
For cultural studies, students may examine Poonam from Vivah, whose academic specialisation appears to be Marriage and Related Sciences.
Selected cultural material may include mythological stories and other familiar ideas about the ideal woman, because apparently even dreams require gender-specific formatting.
Movie enthusiasts may revisit misogynistic characters for supplementary reading on beauty, sweetness, domestic labour, capability and the fascinating expectation that a woman should somehow be extraordinary while remaining perfectly agreeable.
UNIT IV: THE INVISIBLE WORK DEPARTMENT
Welcome to the department where work becomes invisible the moment nobody notices who is doing it.
Cooking, cleaning, organising, remembering birthdays, medicines, groceries, everyone’s favourite food and where everyone left their things are conveniently filed under:
“Nothing much, just managing the house.”
Then comes Emotional Labour, where one person becomes the unofficial customer-care department of the entire family.
Mental Load is the advanced course in remembering everything everyone else forgot.
And finally, the university offers its most popular research topic:
“Mummy Will Do It.”
No further explanation required.
PRACTICAL EXAMINATION
The practical examination is conducted outside the classroom.
Case Study 1: A girl returns home late. The examiner asks, “Why were you out so late?”
Expected answer: Anything except “Why was the street unsafe?”
Case Study 2: A woman speaks firmly in a meeting. Examiner’s note: Good confidence. Unfortunately, she has an attitude.
Case Study 3: A woman says, “No.” Examiner’s note: Perhaps she means “convince me.”
Bonus Question: A man catcalls a woman. Who gets asked to behave?
Please consult Unit II.
VIVA VOCE
Examiner: Why are you so ambitious?
Student: Because I have ambitions.
Examiner: Why are you angry?
Student: Why does my anger require an explanation?
Examiner: Why do you demand rights?
Student: Because I am a human too.
Examiner: Why do women need feminism?
Student: Sir, that is not a one-mark question.
Examiner: Hmm. 0 marks.
COURSE OUTCOME
By the end of PAT-101, students will have learnt to glorify double standards, invisible labour, gender expectations and the difference between protection and control.
Distinction students may also develop the rare ability to notice when a rule exists simply because it has existed for a long time.
FINAL EXAMINATION
Do we need feminism? Isn’t patriarchy-good enough?
(Instructions: Don’t ever attempt going against patriarchy. You have to defend it with heart and soul. Also speaking in favour of women will lead to you being called, “the feminist type wali ladkiyan” and you shall be humiliated for it)
Examination Time allowed: One lifetime.
Word limit: Unlimited.
Reference material: Your everyday life.
COURSE FEEDBACK
Would you recommend PAT-101 to a friend?
☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ She is already enrolled
☐ We were all enrolled at birth
☐ Nobody should be forced to enrol in this course
Remarks-
COURSE COORDINATOR’S NOTE
Congratulations on completing PAT-101.
We hope you enjoyed your semester, learnt your assigned rules, maintained the required standards, and successfully submitted all your compulsory adjustments.
We look forward to having you enrolled for another semester, because, as you know, there is no withdrawal option.
Your feedback is appreciated, although the syllabus has been in use for generations and may not be updated anytime soon.
You should be glad you got this opportunity. I understand that some of you may have complaints about suffering and inhumane treatment, but please tolerate it. Your course guide is done. I have handed over the PAT-101 syllabus to you exactly as it was handed over to me. Please do not attempt to break this divine cycle of abuse.
Be good students. Follow the rules. Complete your assignments. And, most importantly, do not ask unnecessary questions.
And I hope none of you shall attempt to rewrite the syllabus.
Or will you?
Will you?
